What’s it like working with Vlad: The MAPS Quagmire

Earlier today my colleague and honorable friend Susanne Dansey responded to an email interview. Vijay asked her what it was like working with me.. to which Susanne responded with:

Working with Vlad is a unique experience. To tell you would open your eyes to a world which you may not be ready to experience. It is for the safety of you and others that I don’t tell you.

Now while I have to profusely thank Susanne for not divulging the graphic details of the things that get edited out of the SBS Show I feel that you, as my audience, do deserve to know what it’s like to actually work with me.

(this part is true) I have a very stressful yet incredible job. I spend hours each day trying to keep our networks alive, supporting our customer base, assisting our partners with deals and in my spare 30 seconds a day I try to look into the future, identify problems, opportunities and solutions. Because not a day goes by without dealing with people on virtually every continent nearly every hour of the day I get the tremendous amount of input that I have to consider seriously because I genuinely do not know if someone is just making fun of me or if they are absolutely serious. So I play along, work as hard as I can and try not to let my personal feelings and opinions interact with the professional duty I have to every single customer, partner and vendor my business interacts with.

So to blow off steam I blog, I run, I share what I know with my fellow man (or woman) and a part of that is the reality check that I cannot afford during work. Most people laugh at (with) me and I enjoy to entertain with my frequent reflections of how absolutely ridiculous some things are… yet we put up with them.

So to give you an example, here is the official Vladville question guide for tomorrows MAPS webcast. It is in response to the very real and legitimate FAQ managed by Schrag; You might be offended, proceed cautiously..

• I’m a small business consulting shop, I work by myself but have 18 laptops. I need to be able to order two Action Packs, why can’t I do that?
• I have 6 illegal immigrants from Korea working in my basement, they don’t speak English. Can I get Windows XP Korean N media and licensing through the Action Pack?
• I have a severe multiple personality disorder; During morning hours I am a 6th grader with IQ of 35. During evening hours I’m a genius financial manager for a Fortune 500 company (on contract). I need Action Pack to suit both personalities – can you please provide a copy of Microsoft Encarta and a copy of Biztalk in the next MAPS license?
• Followup to the above questions – do I need to have a CAL for each of my multiple personalities?
• The recent changes in offering upgrade-only (Volume License) media for Windows XP and Windows Vista is seriously cutting into my ability to resell Microsoft Action Pack to small businesses that legitimately offer IT consulting services. My hair stylist, my limo service, my attorney and even my horse manure and bull semen distributors use Microsoft POS – and as customers complete transactions they interact with technology and look to us to deploy it for them. How will MAPS change to fit my business model?
• One of my friends customers partners recently had a Microsoft Exchange Ranger team from Microsoft Consulting come in and complete an Exchange deployment. If Microsoft truly feels we should move up the solution deck should every Microsoft Partner Program registered member not get at least 5-10 hours of free Microsoft Consulting time per month? I am not an unreasonable man, how about 5-10 hours a subscription renewal?
• Microsoft server software is too expensive, I cannot get my customers to buy Microsoft Small Business Server 2003 R2 at its  ridiculously inflated price of $550. My customers are not made of money like Microsoft thinks. In a completely unrelated topic, can you please explain to me why you are not providing Windows Vista Ultimate for free so I can support all of my customers (mentioned above) that spend $399 for a copy of Windows Vista Ultimate?
• My Microsoft revenues over the past 6 years have been significant, almost into five figures. Can I have a Partner Advisory Seat on the MAPS team so I can offer my insight?
• I have never heard of Microsoft Technet Virtual Labs, Microsoft Technical Demonstration Tookit, free virtual machine downloads, free evaluation downloads of most Microsoft services, etc. Why is Microsoft not giving me full versions of every piece of software ever made so I can install them all in 256MB RAM virtual machines and spend all my time playing instead of working?
• Please provide full and detailed justification for inclusion of every piece of software provided in the Microsoft Action Pack. Please also provide full justification for not including every other piece of software that was not included in the Microsoft Action Pack. Please provide guidelines, bylaws, and a 10 year plan for the Action Pack – as a serious business that runs its infrastructure on $299 a year software gimmie I need to know the direction Microsoft is planning so I can properly strategically align my business processes with Microsoft’s, if at all depending on your response.
• A midget, a partial transvestite and an unborn 5 month fetus are currently on my staff, I would like to know how my employee selection impacts my CAL needs. Since midget has special workstation demands does Microsoft feel it is right in trying to charge him for a full CAL? At which height does Microsoft consider the user to justify a full CAL use. Should the midget get shin implants will they be able to upgrade to the full version? In case of a partial transvestite, how does Microsoft define a user in terms of biological functionality. If the transvestite was born as a woman but had a partial surgery to transform her to him, will Microsoft require multiple CALs? To which degree must a sex be converted to require only a single CAL? Finally, in terms of the unborn 5 month fetus – Where does Microsoft stand on the issue of when life begins. Please explain in full detail.

That ladies and gentleman (and midgets and transvestites and unborn fetuses and illegal immigrants) is the mind of a mad man. Pleased to meet ya.