This is why you’re unemployed

Employees seeking work are often frustrated by the apparent ignorance and disrespect dished out by the employers and associated HR practices. Having been on the side of a person looking for work, I feel for you and understand your frustration. Please take the following as a piece of constructive criticism: this is why you’re unemployed.

You better be a sales person (Cover Letter)

It doesn’t matter how you feel about sales, when you are asking for employment you are asking for someone to give you money. So yes, you have to sell yourself.

Cover letters are meant to sell me why you, and only you, are the best candidate for the job.

Over the past few hires we have averaged over 1,000 applications. Nearly all of them without a cover letter.

Even those that had a cover letter made it obviously generic. Some even didn’t bother to insert the company name where they obviously left an empty spot for it.

I am writing to you regarding the position of <> at <> advertised on Career Builder.

Fill in the blanks. Also, I see what you named your resume, so if it’s AmandaOldEngineer.doc and you’re applying for a business role.. pass.

Employers view:  You don’t really want this job. You just applied because it showed up in your search criteria. If you did want the job you would have read the contents, checked out the company web site, found out what it did and tailored your resume to fit that role. Yes, there is such a thing as fitting into an organization, from GE all the way down to a tire & lube joint. If you aren’t capable of doing the elementary research and actually express interest in the position beyond clicking on submit then you really don’t deserve to work.

Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Can’t read. (Education)

If I could mail my college diploma back to University of Florida for a refund big enough to order a 16″ pizza from Five Star, I would. Tomorrow. Thankfully, I have a job.

You don’t. And the view from here is that I have no idea if you can read and write or if your cousin touched up your brief employment history. So you better have an education. Some sort of education. There is no shame in getting a high school diploma. Or an associates degree. Or a bachelors degree in English or Communications. Or a Masters Degree of Fine Arts.

Employers view: You have to be smart to work here. You have to be smart to work anywhere that isn’t surrounded by automated machines and robots. McDonalds successfully beat up Starbucks with a completely automated coffee machine. If you can’t show a track of education or military experience that tells me that you’re a) afraid of hard work b) are unwilling to learn c) are unwilling to sacrifice d) are unable to push through boring projects e) have no attention span for long, complex problems you’ll encounter working here. If you can’t show a track record of improving your education over time, you can’t work in the industry where knowledge matters. Regardless of experience.

Attendance is Mandatory

This should go without saying: You will be expected to show up.

So if the job is advertised in Los Angeles, and you live in Boston, chances are you will not get a phone call. Even if you’re willing to pay for a visa. Even if you’re willing to relocate yourself on your own.

I am willing to guess 25% of the jobs we get are from people that don’t live where our offices are. I know that Gen Y and flex time and all that is all the rage in the trade press, but if you can’t come over for an interview tomorrow, you won’t have one.

Employers view: Hiring remote workers is a high risk proposition. Not just because of all the labor and tax laws but because of all the complexity involved on both professional and personal level. Are you looking for a job just so you can move and find another? Are you taking the role as a temporary solution or long term? When will I get to interview you? With thousands of other applicants, it’s just not worth the risk.

What have you done for anyone, lately?

If you have had a gap in your employment, explain it. If you don’t have one, I’ll have to assume that you were out of the labor force due to an involuntary confinement to a mental ward. You escaped just long enough to apply for this job.

If you have a job, explain what you’ve actually done. Believe me, I can figure out the responsibility matrix of a retail manager. Really. I can. You open the door. People come in. You deal with them. You hire and fire people. Amazing. But what have you actually done at that job that is relevant to me as your potential employer?

“- Responsible for opening and closing the door at Shoe Carnival.”

vs.

“- Awarded the “Safest Store in Southeast” by the corporate office.”

Great, you’re responsible for something.

There is a sense of pride associated with everything. Even if you hate your job, someone else would love a crack at it. You have obviously failed at killing yourself, so there must be something about what you enjoy about your current role. What is it? What drives you?

Employers view: We want positive people, who are going to smash the expectations. If you come off as someone that is only capable of doing the bare minimums and is going to be a “hazardous personality” in the office then we just need to save ourselves from firing you.

. . . 

None of this is easy to read. You’ll probably get upset at it.

Once you cool off I hope you at least consider some of this because there is one of you and over a 1,000 other people that on paper look the same. You can blame the employers and screeners and gate keepers all you like… but at the end of the day, you only have yourself to blame for not standing out and letting someone with less experience, less skill and less education get the job over you. Forget about what you’re comfortable with and focus on the result: successful career.