Valentine’s Day At Work

This is meant to be funny. If you don’t have a sense of humor don’t read this.

Today is one of my favorite days – nobody is on a diet, it’s cool for guys to buy a ton of roses and you can eat your body weight in chocolate. It’s like an adult Halloween. And yes, we’ll celebrate anything at ExchangeDefender that involves cupcakes.

Valentines Day is a challenge for an employer to pull off because.. and how do I put this delicately.. some men in your company will turn into little bitches because they didn’t get flowers.

Am I attractive enough to even the manliest of system administrators into acting like little girls? Of course! No Question!! I’m sure that’s why most people work here to begin with. But that’s not the point.

To perfectly balance the need for candy and pretty things with the overall inappropriateness of employer sponsored valentines presents you have to reconcile what men and women expect from this very special day.

What women think

Awe. It’s Valentine’s Day! I hope I fall (even more deeply) in love today.

I want candy. I want flowers.

I wonder if I can still fit in that red dress I bought last year. Black shoes with the red dress or red shoes with a dark red dress?

I can’t wait.

Today is going to be a great day!

…

 

What men think

Valentines?

Oh shit, that’s today?

That’s alright. I need gas. I’ll get something while I’m there.

Let me make some reservations.. What do you mean you don’t have any availability tonight????

Hmmm… I wonder if Taco Bell does those gameday 12-packs of tacos in pink?

I know what boys like.. I know what guys want…

I’ve been giving flowers to ladies in the office for years..

Every year guys would ask (not jokingly) where their flowers were. I always had the same response: Seriously? You want me to buy you flowers?

Indeed they did. For guys, Valentines day is all about recycling. So here is the recipe for Valentines Day 2012.

Recycling

Every year I have lunch with my lovely wife and discuss my Modern Family at work

Last year one of my (now former) employees finally came out and said what I was too naïve to understand: “That guy is an asshole! Now I have to go and buy stuff.”

It turns out that there is no workplace envy for what the ladies get.. it’s a matter of socialism and them not getting what someone else got.. so they could regift it to their significant others!

Simple enough, but how do you reconcile the single folks with the ones in relationships? How do you balance the right gift for ladies vs. guys with ladies vs. single guys?

Simple.

With ladies you’re pretty much limited by whatever American Express tells you.

With guys you have a wildcard option. Here is what I did:

Ghirardelli’s chocolate box

1 red rose

1 shot of Captain Morgan

1 small bottle of Martini Asti

2 small bags of M&Ms

If they have a special someone, this is pretty much a quiet evening and a romantic movie slam dunk. If they don’t, following up sparkling wine with a shot of rum will put you in just as good of a mood.

Cover all bases.

Ok, but what if they are gay?

So this gets a little bit awkward if you’re a guy giving Valentines Day presents to another guy.

They are still guys. Same recipe works. You just gotta go a little bit further.

Cover their floor with rose petals and Valentines Day M&M’s leading to their desk.

But what if you’re wrong about them being gay? 

Doesn’t really matter, after the other people in the office see this display, they’ll think they are gay anyhow.

Upside to this part is that they’ll think you’re gay too.

This is awesome for two reasons:

1) Guys won’t complain about what they didn’t get because it will out them.

2) NOBODY will want to hang out in your office anymore or complain that you didn’t take them out for drinks. EVER.

There you have it – how to use Valentines Day to boost employee morale and keep them from bugging you the other 364 days of the year.

Happy Valentines Day!