Birthday Meatcake Beefporkcalypse

I’ve known my boy Los longer than I’ve been able to speak English. He was my college roommate and saw me kick a computer through a wall when I lost 3 hours of work once. He’s been there from the earliest days of ExchangeDefender and today works at ExchangeDefender as the Vice President of “WTF Broke Now?” – long history.

So when he decided to turn 33 and try to outlive Jesus.. I had to step in. With the meat birthday cake. Behold, step by step. Warning: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Step 1: Prep the braided bacon icing. Line a foil with some pam and start crossing it one slice at a time.

Step 2: Mince onion, garlic and 2 pounds of beef in some oil. Drain when done and season with whatever you want.

Step 3: Line the bottom of the baking dish with PAM and start layering beef and filo dough. I went with 1 cup between sheets. As far as calories go, filo dough is worse than the 93% ground beef so if you want to cut corners this is where you can do it.

Step 4: Seal it in. Pour 5 beaten eggs on top and let it soak. Boil some oil and pour over the pie, this gives it a nice glaze that you’ll see later.

Step 6: This is where it gets obscene. Dump in 1lb of crumbled bacon and top it off with genoa salami.

Step 7: Broil it.. this will give your meat cake a solid foundation.

Step 8: Take the meat pie out of the baking dish, flip it and allow it to cool a bit. Apply your bacon braid icing. Back under the broiler.

Step 9: Peperoni minis.. Write your message. Back under the broiler to seal the letters in.

Step 10: Pray to whatever deity you believe in.

Step 11: Lipitor

Step 12: Aspirin

Step 14: Update your will

Step 15: Dive in.

Calories: You really don’t wanna know. This pie serves 6 and yeah, each serving is well into 4 digits. Cheesecake Factory, suck it.