What’s your beef with Tesla?

I was recently asked why I hated Tesla so much. “Did Elon kick your puppy or something?”

To be honest, I hate all electric cars. From golf carts to Tesla. It’s just that I think Tesla cars, inside out, are perhaps the ugliest things ever made. From the original roadster that took the ugliest British car ever made (and you know you’re digging deep when you’re taking stuff even the British consider ugly) Lotus Elise panels, to the current Model S which looks like stuff that even Ford wouldn’t come up all the way to the newly unleashed Tesla Pontiac Aztek.. err, Model X. But I hate all of them. I hate them because they have no soul. Yes, I’ve driven more than one.

I don’t want to dismiss the benefits of electric vehicles – Never having to visit a gas station sounds appealing. So does the fact that you can charge your Tesla for free at many superchargers around the country. Ditto for the ability to have solar panels that provide free energy and free miles. The features are great if you only view your vehicle as a factor of transportation. If you get no joy from driving, if you don’t find any appeal in vehicle design, if you don’t enjoy the sensation from the ability to control then electric is an answer to your prayers. There is no arguing technical green facts. But how do I put this in a classy and delicate way

Suggesting to someone that loves driving that we’ll all be driving electric cars in the future is as appealing as a proposition to only have sex with ones wife with a huge dildo. Hint: You’re missing out on a whole lot of fun.

Now, if you’re dead inside, I understand. Nisan Leaf looks like a perfectly adequate vehicle. And if you’re from Western Europe you probably see no issue at all in a family vehicle being a Vespa with a kid basket in the back. Why, civilized people use public transportation.

But. And again, with all due respect… fuck you. And the golf cart you rode in on. I don’t want to hit the brakes to turn the corner, I want to pull the ebrake and swing around it.

I don’t want an automatic transmission and neutered mufflers, I want to understand how this 3 ton beast I’m inside is somewhat related to physics.

I don’t want another computer screen and regenerative brake stats, I want the blood pumping through my veins like a cocaine junkie that just got his last hit in a week as I’m on E and that light and every alert/gauge is flashing about the empty fuel tank.

I don’t want a car with safety systems written by the cheapest programmer you could find on oDesk, I want a beast with steel, carbon and a hundred+ years of engineering in line with Newtonian laws. No thanks Google, I don’t want the idea of rebooting my brakes as I’m about to hit an 18 wheeler in my plastic car the size of a clown car.

But most of all.. by Allah.. To all you retards hypermiling and “driving as if you have no brakes” – No, you have brakes, drive up to the light and stop, if I see you gliding down the street towards a traffic light I am buying a monster truck and driving right over your ass.

Note: Meant in a satirical way. It is none of my business how you have sex with your wife. But I am totally interested in a monster truck driving over a pile of electric cars.