One of the particularly rewarding parts of my job as the CEO of OWN is that I get the joy of helping people develop their professional skills. Unfortunately, for the majority of my career I suffered from a very hard head and self-induced insomnia that moved my company forward. Being able to pass off some of my mistakes as business expertise is forgery of the highest degree but I hope to at least entertain you with it.
Of Zeppelins and San Francisco Gay Bars
In the world of business, particularly when working with strangers, there are few safe zones of personable discussion. Things like weather, family, local points of interest and quick stories that establish familiarity are a great way to tell whether the person is genuinely interested in having a conversation with you or not.
If they are, move forward.
If they aren’t, gracefully move along the room. This never, ever happens. What ensues instead is the sense of shame and guilt over being completely disinterested in a fellow man and just making a break as soon as the conversation is over.
But wait! It gets worse! Social interactions for generally socially averse people turn into comfortable clicks, packs of people who enjoy the discussion in the crowd and genuinely wish to contribute to the conversation. The appeal of crashing some other crowd, at the cost of being seen as an outsider and bringing the conversation to a halt, is terrifying to many. This is why you see people at conferences tied to the same group of people, or worse, a victim trapped in the web of a boring story that will never end without an external interaction.
This is a perfectly natural response, we don’t want to be rude and just walk away. When we’re with folks we are familiar with we tend to enjoy their company over seeking out the company of others.
Reminder: If you are at a professional conference, you are there to work. Enjoying long periods of silence or stories about unprofessional and socially questionable lifestyle choices, politics or else is generally counterproductive to your agenda.
The Pullout Method (TPOM)
The pullout method, as the name and it’s less than graceful counterpart implies, is moving away from the conversation until you have completely covered every single point and made a further conversation in the future… well, unnecessary.
In the past, I used to hang out with my buddies, clients or generally people that already knew me. This put me at a tremendous disadvantage of not meeting the other people in the audience that I haven’t seen in years or have never even met before. The tradeoff of business opportunities for social comfort is simply too high. As a sponsor and vendor, this became even more directly related to my business agenda because I am paying for every minute of time that I get to introduce my business to someone that could make a lot of money with me.
The Pullout Method is a graceful move through the room where you do not spend more than a few minutes with any particular person, group or table.
It is not a fixed interval or predetermined keyword that will send me running for the hills.. quite the opposite. I am just trying to figure out if we have something in common or not. If we do, the conversation that we need to have should be done at a more appropriate time, perhaps when 5 other people aren’t standing around or shouting behind me. If not, it was still a pleasure to meet you, enjoy the shrimp.
If you are reading this and are even mildly upset.. how do I put this politely… you are a f@#% moron.. you are missing the opportunity to do something great. If you are an attendee, you have even more incentive not to be cornered by the sales guy that will talk to you until you sign the contract. If you don’t know many people at the event you are missing out an incredible peer experience where you can quickly build a network around you that benefits you.
Remember, this is business. If, and only if, you are successful enough at it will you have lasting relationships and perhaps great friends. So make a point to find conversation topics you can followup later when you can have their undivided attention.
Deflective Misdirection (DFMD)
This process of match-making to move through the crowd is by all means property of Rafael from MSPU. Nancy Williams from SecureMyCompany comes close as well.
Every time these individuals approach me, they are happy to see me. I have no reason to distrust their sincerity, they are both remarkable and successful people and truely genuine at every level. I take the same attitude with most people I know, I am even happy to see my competitors and folks I’ve clashed with in the past. Nothing personal, it’s just business right.
Let’s take a look at the deflection. This is particularly important for sales people, marketing personnel, coordinators and movie ushers. Once the conversation reaches a point that is no longer directly going to lead to an increased bulge in your wallet, you pass that person and/or conversation to another person.
Everyone can learn a great deal from following the match makers in the audience. Be warned though, they move quick so they aren’t intercepted and tackled by the Zeppelin guy (see above). Passing contacts when you identify that someone else is able to assist them better than you is not only a great way to end a conversation that may not be going anywhere mutually beneficial, it is also a fantastic way to foster partnerships and referal networks in the business.
We have made a fortune at OWN for simply picking up the phone and saying: “Hey Howard, I have a guy in Sterling that needs ExchangeDefender.” or “Hey, you haven’t paid your bill in six months, this is my buddy Scott.”
Every conversation doesn’t have to end in a victory or a loss. Also, for you to win someone else does not have to lose. Business is not a zero-sum game. It is an intricate web of relationships through which you help people and they in turn help you.
If you are stuck in a conversation that is not going to benefit you, introduce them to a friend, peer, partner or even a competitor. Chances are both will be happy that you did. It’s certainly far better than trying to make akward wide circles away from each other in the future.
The Pretty Girl (TPG)
There are only a few people in this world capable of truly captivating an informal huddle for an extended period of time. If you are mildly entertaining or popular, people will crowd around you, initially to hear what you have to say but more importantly – to ask you something they might find important.
TPG circles are counterproductive beyond the first 60 seconds. Why? Because people are typically interested in personal attention or want to express some individual comment that may not be appropriate in the circle.
Beware of the Mantrail: There is a right way to break out of TPG and then there is a wrong way. If you’ve ever talked to several people at the same time and decided to leave you undoubtedly created what is known in the industry as the mantrail. This is when you decide to either walk away to a previously scheduled engagement, or you alerted everyone in the circle that their time would be more valuable somewhere else. Nothing good ever comes from a mantrail. At best, you’ll find yourself exhausted by the time you get where you need to be because you’re trying to outrun the trail following you, or, worse, you establish smaller circles in your wake.
The correct way of breaking out of TPG is to shine the spotlight on someone else. In the quick moment that the attention turns to another person in the circle, briefly excuse yourself to the person next to you in the direction you wish to go. This is actually a fight move, because you never want to expose your back to the opponent (in this scenario, the opponent of your ability to mingle) and by going in the direction opposite of the one you are facing you do not risk being followed or quickly pulled aside.
Quality Time
To the untrained eye this may seem like a cruel, opportunistic way to deal with people.
It is not.
Your engagements in the free flowing social environments, mixers, speed dating, socials and so on are quite impersonal and for the most part insincere. Not that everyone around you is necessarily a sociopath but even the most unpolished among us will put our PR personality ahead of us and not try to offend everyone.
What people in front of you are interested in is you. The real you. Not the you that is trying to be polite. Not the you that is going to be guarded and politically correct. We never get anywhere if all we do is sit on our hands and be perpetually fake for the sake of not being real.
If you doubt this, consider the blog you are reading. I have had countless people offer their opinions on what I should have said instead. Even if I followed every one of those pieces of advice, I would have eventually offended someone with what I genuinely am and what I represent. Which, as ugly as it may seem, has made me remarkably successful both personally and professionally.
People appreciate honesty, sincerity and openness. Even if it doesn’t suit their taste. It’s the cold hard truth. Imagine the disappointing lives we would have if all we ever did was get disappointed by how fake everyone is. Fake people are easy to spot and easy to avoid. Don’t be one of them. Or you won’t make it in business, consider bartending at a slow motel instead. Or just be yourself.
And on that topic… everyone has something interesting about them and everyone is working towards something in their life. Expose it to as many people as you can and you will end up with a ton of friends. Better yet, make sure your interactions are genuine and personal, not rushed or comfortable. Trust me, you’ll have far less regrets.
(yes, the long form posts are back, baby!)
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